(This post originally appeared when the “Dirty Dancing” musical came to the Windy City.)

I guess I’m just a contrarian.

I’m unable to stomach what the rest of the civilized world apparently considers one of the greatest movies of all time.

I’m talking about “Dirty Dancing,” a 1987 coming-of-age picture starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey.

I count “Citizen Kane” and “Amarcord” as among the best films ever made, but I’m sure there are people who can’t get through either one without projectile vomiting and that’s fine with me. Similarly, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna watch “Dirty Dancing” more than once. My recollection of the film is some dancing, some more dancing, still more dancing, Jerry Orbach determines yep, that’s a botched abortion, and then a whole lot more dancing.

Well, color me twinkletoes!

It apparently wasn’t enough that this chick-o-rama production spawned a sequel called “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” — now every other Chicago Transit Authority bus has requisitely pink-colored ads for the stage version of the original film.

I could have saved the show’s producers the expense of mounting a live production. Look, it’s clear that today’s female moviegoers are seriously disturbed psychologically — or simply don’t mind grindhouse gore — or else they wouldn’t flock to and evidently enjoy the many movies in which folks are dismembered, tortured, and otherwise dispatched in some of the most violent means ever put on film.

In my opinion, “Dirty Dancing” didn’t need a stage version. It just needed another film sequel — but this one directed by Wes Craven. And, in a nod to one of my favorite Coen brothers scenes, I’ve even got the guaranteed megahit title:

“Dirty Dancing III: Nobody Puts Baby in a Woodchipper”

When in Fargo, visit the woodchipper!

 

 

Here’s an interesting guide to Smith-Corona CHANGEABLE TYPE. And here’s some history of the inverted question and exclamation marks.

My agent assures me that even if I’m unable to land a gig doing motion capture for “dog eyes” I can pick up a few bucks posing for a Margaret Keane art class.

Shopping at Walgreens always makes me realize that saying some of the store’s house brand names at work could result in a visit to HR.

• Nice sweet potato chips
• Nice fig bars
• Nice almonds
• Nice carpet cleaner
• Nice honey inverted squeeze bottle
• Nice black licorice
• Nice pecan clusters
• Nice light brown sugar
• Nice string cheese mozzarella
• Nice butter ring cookie bites
• Nice raisins
• Nice prunes pouch

I’ve always wondered why Frito-Lay makes two ridged potato chips — but until yesterday never actually compared Ruffles and Wavy Lay’s.

Both taste the same, at least to me, and both target customers who’ll be using the chips to scoop up dip and similar stuff. And both varieties have the same nutritional content.

But there is a difference — and it was staring me right in the face for years: Ruffles has more ridges! See the photo below; the Ruffles chip is on the left.

By the way, the only reason I bought the potato chips was because I made Lipton’s Classic Onion Dip. Never in my entire life have I used the Lipton product to make onion soup. Have you?