August 22, 2023 – L.T. Hanlon

Posing and lighting combine in a cover photo of Dolly Parton in the October 2023 issue of Cowboys & Indians magazine to make it look like Parton's right hand is a lobster claw.

A cover shot, a glamorous grin, and bam! You’ve got yourself a celebrity sporting a crustacean claw.

Yeah, you heard me right. Dolly Parton, bless her heart, is smiling on the front of Cowboys & Indians magazine’s October 2023 issue, but all I see is her hand resembling one of Lobster Boy’s pinchers.

Hold up, don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Lobster Boy Grady Stiles.

Guy had a genetic condition that turned his hands and feet into claws. Made a living out of it in the circus, but things turned dark. He killed his daughter’s fiancé and got himself shot in the head. It could’ve been a regular Shakespearean tragedy if he’d been plugged in the Coriolanus.

Now, you don’t want Dolly or any star looking like Grady unless it’s a horror show you’re shooting. So listen up. Here’s my guide to avoiding such unintentional situations:

Get the Angles Right: Wrong angle, wrong image. Unless you’re gunning for the horror genre, watch those angles. You don’t want a hand looking like it’s auditioning for a seafood commercial.
Watch the Shadows: Shadows can be as tricky as a back-alley hustler. Keep them where they belong. Play it right, and you won’t have to explain why Ms. Parton’s got a taste of the sea.
Use the Props Wisely: A misplaced prop can transform a diva into a sea monster. Coordinate with your subject. Make sure everything fits like a worn-in pair of cowboy boots.
Editing with Care: Too much of a good thing can be bad. You want to Photoshop? Fine, but don’t turn a beauty into a beast.
Previews and Feedback: Don’t be a lone ranger. Get a second opinion, third, hell, as many as you need. Fresh eyes catch what yours miss. Speaking of which, there’s a famous photo of Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger in which a saguaro cactus arm appears to be scratching our hero’s back. The result is unintended hilarity.

Look, nobody wants to see their favorite stars looking like they belong on a seafood platter. Pay attention, follow the guide, and keep the claws on the lobsters and off the A-listers.

It’s photography, not a freak show.

The Daily Mail consistently refuses to remove British spelling and usage from its content targeting U.S. readers. If the Daily Mail is unwilling to make its publication more accessible to American readers, perhaps it should go all the way and treat us to the full high-tone British experience.

My suggested rewrite follows . . .

Flagler County Sheriff’s Deputy Nick Huzior got whisked off to the ol’ dog and bone, right? Messin’ with fentanyl at a bob standard traffic stop, ‘e did. Them rozzers reckon a mad gust could’ve popped that stuff up ‘is ‘ooter and done ‘im in. Them clever blokes in white coats? They chucked that idea in the ol’ dustbin, said it was complete pony.