Month: August 2023
Nazi flying saucers are a load of crap
The other night, I came across this YouTube video, screen flickering in the dark, promising me “stunning” photographic of Nazi-engineered flying saucers.
The grainy footage, eerie music, and an air of “The truth is out there — and here it is!” reeled me in.
So, what’s the claim? In the expanded universe version of this urban legend, these Third Reich bozos not only built flying saucers using antigravity propulsion — one sportier model knwn as Die Glocke had a time-traveling option that caused it to bounce ahead to 1965 and crash outside Kecksburg, Pennsylvania. The story sounds like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas got hammered, whipped out a Ouija board, and channeled Ed Wood.
Let’s shatter this glass house right off the bat: Nazis were pipe-clogging turds who saw the world as their punchbowl. If they’d had technology as advanced as some of these UFO nuts insist, the Allies would’ve been screwed six ways to Sunday.
But let’s get real. The Nazis documented everything with Teutonic efficiency and an obsessive compulsion — from the horror shows at death camps to the pomp and circumstance of Nuremberg rallies.
Leni Riefenstahl filmed “Triumph of the Will” with a goddamn sense of aesthetic purpose. I mean, if you can make evil look that good on camera, why does your flying saucer footage look like Bigfoot took it while having a seizure?
Seriously, the evidence is shakier than Elvis in his final years. Blurred images, poorly exposed film — this is the stuff conspiracy theorists drool over.
I get it. The unknown excites people. But attaching this UFO myth to Nazi scientists is as absurd as claiming that John Williams is an alien because he composes damn good music.
Even if German scientists constructed a saucer-shaped conventionally powered aircraft, it’s a far cry from building a working UFO. We’re talking about engineering marvels beyond rocket science. Literally.
So why do people buy into this garbage? Wishful thinking? A desire to make the world crazier than it already is? If you ask me, folks latch onto these increasingly bizarre conspiracy theories the same way pornography addicts need to keep pumping up the kink to reach orgasm.
Let’s give a nod to the influence, though. These rumored German saucer designs left a mark on pop culture.
You’ve got George Adamski, who claimed contact with Venusians, sketching and photographing craft that eerily resemble this Nazi nonsense.
And then the TV show “The Invaders”? Their flying saucers could’ve been extras in that grainy Nazi film reel. Hollywood knows a good prop when it sees one.
Bottom line: Don’t buy into the hype. Nazis constructing flying saucers is as believable as me turning water into whiskey. And if I could, you bet I’d be a hell of a lot richer than I am now.
How I blew my chance to co-star in ‘Hazel’
I described the above photo to ChatGPT-4 and asked it to fabricate a funny story about it. Here’s the result. . .
So, my dad and I walked into Columbia Pictures’ Sunset Gower Studios, all coolness and swagger. “Hazel,” the TV show, was gonna be a big deal in 1961 — and somehow, a friend of a friend where Dad worked at First National Bank of Denver knew someone in the casting business.
Me? Dad figured he could exploit my stutter. “You’ve got more of a speech impediment than Marlon Brando, and look how well he’s doing,” he explained.
Shirley Booth sized me up. She smiled. This might all work out.
Lights on. Camera rolling. We started the scene. And man, I was nailing it.
Then, I began stuttering like a motorboat, and instead of saying, “I think you’d better look up the flue,” out came the F-bomb.
Shirley’s eyes widened, but she kept her cool — and started laughing.
“Let’s keep that one in the pilot!” she said.
The director? His face turned a shade I’d call “furious tomato.”
“The hell with this kid, we’re going with Bobby,” he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else.
The other freckled, blond little darling, Bobby Buntrock, stood in the wings — and then sashayed on set like he owned the place.
And just like that, I became a trivia question: What would-be child actor F-bombed his way out of a TV gig?
Why Katey Sagal is the Michael Jordan of acting
While writing my recent Sturgis Fiction microfiction series, I reflected on and took inspiration from “Sons of Anarchy” for creator Kurt Sutter’s saga of bikes, the brotherhood, and his damn good story.
But it was Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller Morrow who grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and wouldn’t let go. Hollywood’s got its stars, sure. People rave about Anthony Hopkins, can’t stop talking about Meryl Streep.
Now, I’m no Roger Ebert, but Katey Sagal? Right up there. No bullshit.
You see Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, it’s chills down your spine, no two ways about it.
Meryl Streep? She could make reading the phonebook Oscar material.
Then you got Katey Sagal, the rock ’n’ roll backbone of “Sons of Anarchy,” the thread stitching together this sprawling saga of an outlaw motorcycle club into a tsunami of women’s viewpoints worthy of Douglas Sirk.
Every time Sagal steps into a scene, you can’t take your eyes off her. She doesn’t act; she lives Gemma. She’s the fuel, the fire, the smoke, and the ash.
Here’s the kicker: It took me a solid 15 minutes to realize this is the same woman who played Peg Bundy in “Married… With Children.”
Talk about range. From a ditzy, shopaholic housewife to the queen bee of an MC? That’s like Michael Jordan nailing baseball after dominating basketball. Gemma’s tough as nails but vulnerable, calculating but human.
Don’t hear what I’m not saying. Hopkins and Streep? Icons. But Katey Sagal, she’s like that scene in Steven Spielberg’s “The Adventures of Tintin” in which the camera pulls back to show Herge as a street artist sketching the film’s CGI Tintin as his 2-D character.
So, here’s the deal. Next time you’re listing the greats, carve out a space for Katey Sagal. She’s the real deal, no question.
If acting were a bar brawl, she’d be the last one standing, wiping the blood off her knuckles, ready for the next round.
Today in panty banditry
The (Scranton) Times-Tribune — August 22, 1956
Dolly Parton: From country queen to seafood supreme
A cover shot, a glamorous grin, and bam! You’ve got yourself a celebrity sporting a crustacean claw.
Yeah, you heard me right. Dolly Parton, bless her heart, is smiling on the front of Cowboys & Indians magazine’s October 2023 issue, but all I see is her hand resembling one of Lobster Boy’s pinchers.
Hold up, don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Lobster Boy Grady Stiles.
Guy had a genetic condition that turned his hands and feet into claws. Made a living out of it in the circus, but things turned dark. He killed his daughter’s fiancé and got himself shot in the head. It could’ve been a regular Shakespearean tragedy if he’d been plugged in the Coriolanus.
Now, you don’t want Dolly or any star looking like Grady unless it’s a horror show you’re shooting. So listen up. Here’s my guide to avoiding such unintentional situations:
- Get the Angles Right: Wrong angle, wrong image. Unless you’re gunning for the horror genre, watch those angles. You don’t want a hand looking like it’s auditioning for a seafood commercial.
- Watch the Shadows: Shadows can be as tricky as a back-alley hustler. Keep them where they belong. Play it right, and you won’t have to explain why Ms. Parton’s got a taste of the sea.
- Use the Props Wisely: A misplaced prop can transform a diva into a sea monster. Coordinate with your subject. Make sure everything fits like a worn-in pair of cowboy boots.
- Editing with Care: Too much of a good thing can be bad. You want to Photoshop? Fine, but don’t turn a beauty into a beast.
- Previews and Feedback: Don’t be a lone ranger. Get a second opinion, third, hell, as many as you need. Fresh eyes catch what yours miss. Speaking of which, there’s a famous photo of Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger in which a saguaro cactus arm appears to be scratching our hero’s back. The result is unintended hilarity.
Look, nobody wants to see their favorite stars looking like they belong on a seafood platter. Pay attention, follow the guide, and keep the claws on the lobsters and off the A-listers.
It’s photography, not a freak show.
Sod off, you prats! Use American English!
The Daily Mail consistently refuses to remove British spelling and usage from its content targeting U.S. readers. If the Daily Mail is unwilling to make its publication more accessible to American readers, perhaps it should go all the way and treat us to the full high-tone British experience.
My suggested rewrite follows . . .
Flagler County Sheriff’s Deputy Nick Huzior got whisked off to the ol’ dog and bone, right? Messin’ with fentanyl at a bob standard traffic stop, ‘e did. Them rozzers reckon a mad gust could’ve popped that stuff up ‘is ‘ooter and done ‘im in. Them clever blokes in white coats? They chucked that idea in the ol’ dustbin, said it was complete pony.
How did they know what underwear to get me?
I walk into the Hotel Kendall, a place too fancy for my usual digs. The place smells like money and wood polish, a far cry from my jail cell just an hour ago. Something’s up. The Twisted Paladins aren’t known for their charity.
“Welcome, Mr. Wilson,” the front desk clerk says with a grin that seems too perfect. “We’ve been expecting you. Your room’s been reserved.” Reserved? By whom? “Third floor, overlooking Main Street.” The guy talks like I’m royalty, not some ragged biker fresh from the slammer.
A bellboy’s on me before I know it, escorting me to the third floor. He keeps glancing at me like he’s sizing me up. But it’s not an ugly sizing up, more like curiosity. The elevator’s too slow for my liking, and finally, we’re there.
“Enjoy your stay,” the bellboy says, sounding like he means it, and then he’s gone. Doesn’t even wait for a tip.
The room’s nice, real nice. Martha Stewart wouldn’t mind getting laid here. There’s an envelope on the bed. Inside, a note: “Take a shower, change into clean clothes, and await further instructions.”
Further instructions? What is this, a spy movie?
I’m filthy, that’s true, but my only clothes are what I’m wearing. That’s when I see a neatly folded paper bag on the dresser. Inside, there are exact copies of my black T-shirt, Wrangler jeans, and even my socks and underwear. How’d they know about the underwear? Creepy.
I don’t think about it much. The hunger’s gnawing at me, and the hot shower washes away all my worries. Well, most of them.
I change into the clean clothes, looking out the window, down on Main Street. Bike Week’s over now, and Sturgis has returned to its small-town slumber.
As for the Twisted Paladins, my benefactors, mystery envelopes — it feels like a scene out of a Tarantino flick. Only thing missing’s Samuel L. Jackson telling me what to do.
I sit on the bed, lean back, and wait. The Twisted Paladins did me a solid, got me out of jail. But nothing’s free, not in this world.
Copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon
Classic TV meets fine wine: The story of Gary Conway and Carmody McKnight Estate Winery
Unearthing delightful surprises is a hobby of mine, especially when they blend nostalgia with a touch of elegance.
Today, I chanced upon such a gem.
Fans of the 1960s classic TV series “Land of the Giants” will fondly recall Gary Conway, who portrayed Captain Steve Burton with panache. Little did many of us know, Conway, alongside his wife, former Miss America Marian McKnight Conway, has been cultivating another passion: winemaking.
Their operation, the Carmody McKnight Estate Winery, is in picturesque Paso Robles, California, about 30 miles north of San Luis Obispo.
If the allure of a vineyard owned by such a dynamic duo isn’t enticing enough, here’s the cherry on top: They’re releasing a limited-edition vintage wine inspired by “Land of the Giants.”
While many celebrities, like Francis Ford Coppola, Fess Parker, and Sam Neill, have been drawn to the romantic charm of vineyards, Gary Conway’s and Marian McKnight Conway’s venture stands out.
Their commitment to a special release celebrating a golden era of television while passionately crafting wines in the heart of California’s wine country is unique.
The Carmody McKnight Estate Winery is more than just a winery; it’s a testament to the Conways’ journey, blending the worlds of Hollywood glamour, beauty pageants, and exquisite winemaking.
So, cheers to Gary Conway, Marian McKnight Conway, and their labor of love that gifts us both memories and flavor.
By the way, you still have time to join these folks as well as Conway’s “Land of the Giants” costars Heather Young and Stefan Arngrim at a five-course release dinner on Aug. 26. Check out the news release below for more info.
NEWS RELEASE
Carmody McKnight Estate Winery Announces
Land of the Giants Collection
Land of the Giants Launch Party set for August 26
at Le Vigne Winery in Paso Robles
(Paso Robles, CA) — Carmody McKnight Estate Winery has announced the release of their new “Land of the Giants” collection. The initial release includes the 2019 Estate Colossal Cabernet Sauvignon and the 2019 Estate Colossal Cuvee. A five-course dinner created by Le Vigne Executive Chef Walter Filippini celebrating the release is scheduled for August 26 in Paso Robles.
Originating from Carmody McKnight’s legendary volcanic West Paso Robles vineyard, the special series of Bordeaux varietal wines are hand-crafted by Winemaker Anthony Gallegos. Gallegos continues the Carmody McKnight tradition of long barrel aging with minimal intervention. The 2019 Estate Colossal Cabernet and Cuvee both show off the incredible vintage of the nutrient rich volcanic West Paso Robles vineyard. These are serious complex, fruit-forward, giant Bordeaux wines to be enjoyed now and for decades. The Colossal Cuvee blends Merlot, Cabernet Franc, and Cabernet Sauvignon.
Star of the cult science fiction TV series, “Land of the Giants” , Gary Carmody Conway is, along with his wife, former Miss America Marian McKnight Conway, the proprietor of Carmody McKnight Estate Winery. The Irwin Allen series is one of the most popular TV series on a worldwide basis ever, airing on hundreds of stations internationally.
Attending the dinner and available to mingle with guests are original cast members Gary Conway (Captain Steve Burton), Heather Young (Betty Hamilton) and Stefan Arngrim (Barry Lockridge).
The “Land of the Giants” Cabernet Sauvignon will be paired with the second course of Red Wine Cavatelli with Pancetta & Asiago. The Colossal Cuvee is featured in the third course alongside Captain Burton’s Braised Bison Short Ribs.
Also poured at the launch dinner alongside the first course of Betty’s Beet Carpaccio with Balsamic Glaze and Fried Capers will be Carmody McKnight’s 2019 Forever Miss America Cabernet Franc. From the sale of every bottle from the Forever Miss America collection, the winery bestows a gift to the Forever Miss America Scholarship Fund. This fund has provided decades of commitment to the economic and social advancement of all women through education opportunities and career resourcing.
The dinner opens and closes with courses paired with wines made by the Conways’ daughter Kathleen. Little People Appetizers will be served with K Estate Sparkling, and the dessert, Very Barry Semifreddo, is matched with her K Estate Port.
The “Land of the Giants” wine collection labels are designed by renowned comic book artist John Peter Britton who specializes in producing artwork for fantasy and science fiction genre television. They depict Gary Conway’s character, Captain Steve Burton, being held captive in the hand of a giant.
The “Land of the Giants” release dinner will be held on Saturday, August 26, at Le Vigne winery located at 5115 Buena Vista Drive, Paso Robles, California, 93446. The dinner begins at 6:30 p.m. and tickets are $132 per person, including tax and gratuity. To purchase tickets, please go here.
About Carmody McKnight Estate Winery
Established in 1968 by former Miss America Marian McKnight Conway and actor/artist Gary Conway, Paso Robles-based Carmody McKnight is credited for pioneering the West Paso Robles AVA – Adelaida subdistrict now recognized as a premium viticultural region for Bordeaux and other noble varietals. Located seven miles from the Pacific Ocean and climatically protected by the Santa Lucia Mountains, the legendary estate vineyard, with its three volcanoes, possesses the rarest of viticulturally rich soils making it the epitome of sustainability. The region is also known for its perfect Mediterranean temperature range and climate conditions. Carmody McKnight produces award-winning, limited release Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, and Cabernet Franc varietal wines. Allocation list members enjoy exclusive access to limited release collector series wines including Land of the Giants and Forever Miss America wines that support women’s educational scholarships.
Twisted Paladins: Who’s behind the vest?
I’m stepping out of Meade County Jail, unsure what to expect. Been in worse spots, but this ain’t exactly a walk in the park. A young guy in biker gear approaches me, and his vest tells me he’s a “prospect” with the Twisted Paladins.
Prospect’s a young guy with a face that looks like he’s spent more time on the cover of Teen Vogue than Easyriders. There’s an eagerness in his eyes trying to prove something. Not to me, but to someone. Maybe to the Paladins.
His gear’s still got that shine of newness; he hasn’t settled into the role. He’s in, but not all the way.
“Yo, Jim! Room’s reserved for you at the Kendall Hotel,” he says.
He’s eager to please, this kid, but he’s not falling over himself. There’s a coolness to him. He’s done this before and has something to prove but doesn’t want to show it.
“You part of this?” I ask, nodding at his vest.
“Just doing a job,” he says, not meeting my eyes.
His smile’s practiced but not fake. He hands me the keys to my bike, fingers lingering a moment too long as if he’s unsure whether to let go.
A young woman rolls up on a Harley, and the prospect climbs on back, leaving me with that lingering sense of something more going on. He glances around once as they pull away, and something in his eyes says this isn’t a simple favor.
I watch him go, still puzzling over the kid before I return to my Harley. Fresh and gleaming, it’s been washed, waxed, and detailed.
Something’s going on here, but I’ll figure it out later. For now, the Kendall Hotel’s waiting, and so is the night.
Copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon
L.T. Hanlon 