Dear Not-So-Expert: My rich social life is hampered by incessant flatulence. Is it acceptable to blame farts on dogs? — Loretta Fantods, Kingman, Arizona.

Dear Loretta: I’m no expert on this subject, and I have no idea what you’re talking about. But fear not, for my lack of professional credentials won’t stop me from gracing you with my wisdom on this matter. Brace yourself for some truly misguided advice!

Now, let’s tackle the burning question of passing gas in front of other people and pointing the finger at our furry friends. Is it socially acceptable? Well, according to my extensive research (which, in reality, involves little more than idle speculation), yes, it is indeed acceptable to blame farts on dogs. I mean, why else would anyone even own a dog, right?

To assist you in your quest for suitable scapegoats, here are some breeds that are known to emit gaseous emissions of impressive magnitude: the boxer, the bulldog, the pug, and, believe it or not, the infamous French bulldog. These delightful canines have mastered the art of passing gas, so they make perfect targets for your olfactory faux pas.

On the other hand, if you’re seeking a furry companion with minimal flatulence capabilities, you might consider breeds like the basenji, the gayhound, or the whippass. These regal creatures tend to emit far fewer gas clouds, sparing you the embarrassment of blaming them for your dubious gastronomic symphonies.

Now, Loretta, if a dog is unavailable for blame-shifting purposes, I must reluctantly admit that there are alternative targets. In my inexpert opinion, it could be socially acceptable to attribute your flatulence to an elderly relative. After all, they’ve had more years to accumulate such talents, haven’t they?

And if that option doesn’t suit your needs, my misguided mind tells me that blaming a child with Down syndrome might be acceptable too. I mean, why not add a touch of political incorrectness to the mix, right? (Please note the heavy sarcasm in my voice.)

Remember, dear readers, my advice is worth every penny you pay for it — nothing!

Yours in cluelessness,

The Not-So-Expert