Category: Health & Fitness

My fantastic voyage to the ER: Correlation or causation?

L.T. Hanlon3 Comments

Chicago isn’t just wind and deep-dish pizza. It’s full of stories. One such story involves yours truly getting jabbed with three vaccines on Monday afternoon: COVID-19, the flu, and RSV.

Come nightfall, my body was cooking. My Apple Watch buzzed like an angry wasp every time my heart rate did a lap around the 120-plus mark. For a guy whose ticker usually beats around 70, this was concerning.

When my condition hadn’t improved by Tuesday morning, I went to immediate care. They collected my vitals, did an EKG, and handed me a one-way ticket to the ER. Ah, the ER. I got another EKG, got plugged into some fluids, and had a lovely moment with a puke receptacle that looked like a giant condom designed by Salvador Dali.

So, was it the vaccines? It might’ve been. But here’s where it gets dicey.

Correlation and causation. Just because two things happen together doesn’t mean one caused the other. The high heart rate? The fever? It could’ve been the vaccines, sure. But it could’ve been my dodgy sandwich, the Chicago air, or maybe my own damn body acting up.

In my case, the vaccines and the symptoms? Possibly related, sure. But it’s not a sealed deal. So, next time something’s got you scratching your head, ask yourself: Is it correlation or causation?

I ended up back home by 4 p.m., tired as hell. On the bright side, no atrial fibrillation. And they gave me Graham crackers. Ain’t nothing like carbs to keep your mind off other … urges.

Elderly neighbor clues me in on kratom

L.T. Hanlon1 Comment
Kratom comes in many forms, including these edibles.

In my highrise condominium building’s elevators, I often chat with Mrs. X, a 90-year-old gal with a sharp mind, a sharp wit, and an unquenchable desire to knock boots with Che Guevara.

Her infatuation with Che isn’t teenybopper puppy love but the burning desire of a limousine-lib lady deeply engrossed in understanding a revolutionary’s psyche. I often see her with a thick tome about Che, lost in tales of revolutions and rebels.

One recent evening, as we rode the elevator up, I winced from the sharp sting of diabetic neuropathy. Mrs. X’s eyes twinkled with mischief.

“Ever heard of kratom?” she asked.

Now, if you’re imagining kratom as some exotic dance from Guevara’s Cuban revolution days, let me set the record straight. “Kratom” usually refers to the prepared leaves from Mitragyna speciosa, a tree native to Southeast Asia.

The plot thickens when you learn that kratom’s lead actor, mitragynine, holds court with the same receptors in our brain as opium does. Its leaves have compounds with pain-numbing, mind-altering effects.

It’s a bit like a passionate tango between Che and an opponent on the dance floor of your neurons. This dance brings a suite of side effects, many eerily similar to opioids. From the itching that feels like ants dancing a rumba on your skin to thoughts racing faster than a retro jukebox on a caffeine spree and speech that rivals the speediest auctioneer. Plus, pupils that constrict to the size of the period at the end of this sentence.

Yet, amid this chaotic carnival, there emerges a soothing, pleasant buzz. The euphoria you might feel listening to an old, soulful song on a rainy day. And boy, did it tackle my neuropathic foot pain head-on.

However, much like Guevara’s ideologies, kratom comes with its complexities. The enchanting hum it provides is tempting. So tempting that in my journey, I’ve learned to respect its power, using it sparingly and wisely, ensuring I’m not being led astray by its allure.

Life is full of unexpected teachers. Who would’ve thought a 90-year-old Che Guevara-loving neighbor would be my gateway to the enigmatic world of kratom?

If this story teaches you anything, it’s that wisdom can come from the most unpredictable sources. And as always, if you’re contemplating a dance with kratom, ensure you lead and consult a medical professional first.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, scientist, or medical professional, and nothing in this post should be interpreted as medical advice. Kratom is a controversial substance with potential risks, and its effects can vary widely from person to person. If you are considering using kratom, consult with a qualified healthcare provider first. Do not take this flash-fiction post as an encouragement to try kratom yourself. You are solely responsible for your own decisions and actions.

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Does clinic app want me to join the 500-pound club?

L.T. HanlonLeave a comment
Clinic's scheduling app wants to know if you under or over 500 pounds.

So, there I was, thumbing through my clinic’s app, trying to schedule an echocardiogram stress test.

Boring stuff, right? Until I got to this gem: “Certain locations have weight limitations, please select the range of your weight.”

The options?

“500 lbs and over”

“450 lbs and over, but less than 500 lbs”

“Under 450 lbs”

And get this, the default? “500 lbs and over”

Was the gravitational pull stronger? Did someone toss a black hole in my pocket when I wasn’t looking? I checked my mirror. Still the same old guy. Attractive in a rugged, 2 a.m. beer-googles way, not in a “might-break-the-medical-equipment” way.

Default settings can be a riot, especially when you’re obliged to scroll through a drop-down menu of almost every country on the planet before locating “United States” beneath “Uganda.” I see that one all the time. But having to choose among “Large,” “Extra Large,” and “Omigawd, he’s heading our way!” was new to me.

In the end, I clicked “Under 450 lbs” and chuckled. Whoever programmed that app, cheers to you for the unexpected laugh.