Time, space, and Marty Robbins’ ‘El Paso’ saga

Today I chanced upon an excellent analysis of Marty Robbins’ El Paso song cycle. I’ve included it above, and you should watch the video — it’s that good.

I’m reminded of a blog post I published 17 years ago about the relationship of “El Paso” to “As Time Goes By” and Albert Einstein.

Round up the usual subatomic particles
(July 9, 2006)

Today at work, I needed to fact-check a reference to lyrics from “As Time Goes By” — best known for its use in the classic motion picture “Casablanca” — and discovered something pretty profound: This song’s introductory verse is actually about Albert Einstein and his Theory of Relativity.

This day and age we’re living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein’s theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax, relieve the tension
And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

You must remember this. . .

You just don’t encounter a lot of verse introductions these days. It wasn’t until several years ago that I even heard the “White Christmas” intro about being in Southern California in December and why the singer dreams of a white Christmas.

Thanks to iTunes, I discovered another musical delight recently. I was searching for “El Paso,” the classic Western ballad by Marty Robbins and, yeah, I saw “El Paso City,” too — but also for sale was an incredible song I’d never heard before: “Feleena (From El Paso).”

This amazing song tells the “El Paso” saga from Feleena’s viewpoint and is guaranteed to evoke an almost operatic cascade of emotions from anyone like me who loves the original.

You surely know the tragic ending of the “El Paso” story, so I’ll risk a spoiler by quoting my favorite set of lyrics from “Feleena.”

Feleena knelt near him,
To hold and to hear him
When she felt the warm blood
That flowed from the wound in his side.

He raised to kiss her
and she heard him whisper,
“Never forget me, Feleena.
It’s over, goodbye.”

Quickly she grabbed for
the six-gun that he wore
And screaming in anger
and placing the gun to her breast,

“Bury us both deep
and maybe we’ll find peace,”
Then pulling the trigger,
she fell ’cross the dead cowboy’s chest.

Time — the fourth dimension — is why you might not have heard “Feleena.” The song clocks in at 8 minutes, 19 seconds, so it doesn’t get much airplay.

There’s also an internal time problem with “Feleena.” In the original “El Paso,” the young cowboy apparently spent some time in the badlands of New Mexico, yet in “Faleena,” he tragically returns the next day.

Or maybe, as Einstein might say, it’s all relative.

And then he kissed her at midnight in a gay bar

Mack Linger and Rosita Minkey kiss at midnight.

On New Year’s Eve, Mack Linger found himself in The Guy Chaparral, a gay country dance bar in Cathedral City — a world away from the Palm Springs rehab clinic he’d escaped.

The bar, a kaleidoscope of lights and laughter, was owned by the brother of Rosita Minkey, Mexico’s reigning queen of country music. Mack had harbored a secret crush on Rosita since their paths crossed at a music festival in Nashville.

The bar pulsed with energy, its patrons swaying and stomping to the rhythm of country classics. Feeling a mix of nervousness and exhilaration, Mack lingered near the entrance, his gaze scanning the crowd. That’s when he saw her — Rosita, her presence illuminating the stage. She was a vision, her voice melding with the twang of guitars, creating a melody that resonated deep within Mack’s soul.

Mack gulped so hard he almost farted.

Mack found himself onstage, his voice joining Rosita’s in a harmonious duet. They sang with a passion that belied spontaneity, their voices weaving through over a dozen songs.

As midnight approached, the bar brimmed with anticipation. When the clock struck twelve, Mack and Rosita’s eyes locked as everyone sang “Auld Lang Syne.”

When they kissed, the crowd erupted in cheers, and dozens of patrons captured the moment and shared videos on social media.

Mack never returned to the clinic.

Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.

Mack Linger’s drinking career has a music problem

Mack Linger talks on an old-style analog phone.

Country star Mack Linger, more accustomed to the spotlight of the Grand Ole Opry than the shade of a rehab center, nursed his ego and shoulder — both bruised when a security guard thwarted his escape attempt from a Palm Springs rehab clinic the previous night.

Clinic director Nathaniel Beaumont confiscated Mack’s cellphone and revoked his online, TV, and radio privileges.

Mack was already plotting his next departure when a nurse escorted him to one of the patient conference rooms. She nodded toward a landline phone, then closed the door behind her.

He picked up the handset, pressed a blinking button, and recoiled as the voice of Christopher “Topher” Coobee, his label’s PR man who navigated the murky waters of public relations with the finesse of a shark, blared across the miles.

“Mack, get ready,” Topher said. “Caitlyn Mahoon is doing a piece on you.”

“Tell her to find another loser. I’m not some sob story for her to exploit.”

“It’s all about the drama, Mack,” Topher said. “You know how this works. Your recovery, or lack thereof, is just fodder for the masses.”

“And what about my actual recovery?” Mack shot back, his words edged with cynicism.

“Recovery, relapse, it’s all the same headline. You’re here to make a scene, not a change.”

With a resigned scoff, Mack agreed. “Fine. Is this that old bag who looks like a cross between Barbara Stanwyck and an albino prune?”

“Whoa, there. Just keep it smooth, buddy. Lather on that old Oklahoma charm,” his flack said.

“I’ll be the perfect gentleman,” Mack said.

Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.

Mack Linger enters rehab after Reno incident

NASHVILLE (AP) — Country music sensation Mack Linger, famed for his chart-topping “Lonesome Roads, Unwritten Codes,” has checked into a Palm Springs rehabilitation clinic, music industry sources said.

The move follows an incident last week in Reno, where the 31-year-old singer made headlines for an outrageous outburst during his concert at the Sunk Creek Casino.

Eyewitnesses said that Linger stripped naked — except for his cowboy hat — and urinated on a table of bachelorette party revelers heckling his performance of “Railroad Tracks and Love Sacks.”

Video of the incident, which has since gone viral, sparked a mix of concern and disbelief among fans and critics.

Linger, known for his soulful voice and heartfelt lyrics, has often spoken of his struggles with the pressures of fame and a family history of substance abuse.

On Friday, he shared on X (formerly Twitter) a selfie taken poolside at an undisclosed clinic and commented, “Greetings from the Matthew Perry 12-step program!”

Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.

Canadian crooners and crust: A Thanksgiving medley

Photo of a box of Mrs. Smith's frozen pumpkin pie and a can of Reddi dip whipped cream.

Ah, it’s almost that snug, cozy time of year: Thanksgiving.

No, I’m not early. I’m talking about Canadian Thanksgiving, the second Monday in October. This holiday came to mind today while I tarried in the frozen food section in search of something sweet and satisfying.

And that’s when I found my answer: Mrs. Smith’s frozen pumpkin pie. As I type this, my kitchen is filling up with an aroma like a slice of heaven.

But let me tell you, the best part is what I’m listening to while that pie’s getting golden brown. I’ve got a playlist chock-full of authentic Canadian country artists.

I’ve got a soft spot for the real deal regarding country music, and our North of the Border friends deliver. Artists like Blake Berglund, who’s all heart and soul, and Belle Plaine, whose melodies are as captivating as a prairie sunset. Or Corb Lund, who weaves a tale like no one else. And, of course, there’s Tim Hus, Colter Wall, and a whole slew more — as authentically Canadian as a jug of maple syrup.

So, this coming Canadian Thanksgiving, my gratitude isn’t aimed solely at a delicious pie and my good fortune to have enough to eat.

I’m also tipping my hat to Canada for gifting us some of the realest country music. Thanks to those genuine tunes serenading me in the background, every bite of that pumpkin pie will seem sweeter.

So here’s to a delightful slice of Mrs. Smith’s and hearty cheers to our northern neighbors for keeping country music real.

Cowboy rhythms and unexpected Christmas anthems

Midjourney synthograph of a contemplative young cowboy at home on Christmas Eve.
I’ve created an Apple Music Playlist to play in the background and help me write cowboy stories for Christmas. I’ll be publishing them on Amazon’s Kindle platform. (Midjourney synthograph)

The festive season always stirs a potpourri of emotions. As I craft a series of cowboy romance short stories this year, I’ve found solace in an eclectic Apple Music playlist of holiday songs, each echoing the ambiance of the West.

At the pinnacle of my list is the enchanting “Christmas Cowboy Style” by Michael Martin Murphey, seamlessly marrying the holiday spirit with the rustic allure of cowboy culture. But the playlist boasts more than just cowboy tunes. Tracks like “Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy” by Buck Owens and “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton bring their own charm.

Diving deeper into the playlist, John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” strikes a sad and, unfortunately, familiar chord. The song poignantly speaks to the heartbreak of children witnessing the struggles of alcoholic fathers, especially during a season meant to be merry.

Yet, the playlist has its quirks, too. “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Christmas at Ground Zero” takes us on a wild departure from traditional holiday tunes, presenting a satirical take on the festive season that’s uniquely “Weird Al.”

There’s a story and a song for every emotion in the world of cowboy romance, Christmas songs, and tales of heartache and humor. And as I write, I’m reminded of the joy, pain, love, and laughter the season brings.

It isn’t even Halloween yet, but it’s never too early for me to wish everyone a tapestry of tales, tunes, and delightful holiday memories.

Dolly Parton: From country queen to seafood supreme

Posing and lighting combine in a cover photo of Dolly Parton in the October 2023 issue of Cowboys & Indians magazine to make it look like Parton's right hand is a lobster claw.

A cover shot, a glamorous grin, and bam! You’ve got yourself a celebrity sporting a crustacean claw.

Yeah, you heard me right. Dolly Parton, bless her heart, is smiling on the front of Cowboys & Indians magazine’s October 2023 issue, but all I see is her hand resembling one of Lobster Boy’s pinchers.

Hold up, don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Lobster Boy Grady Stiles.

Guy had a genetic condition that turned his hands and feet into claws. Made a living out of it in the circus, but things turned dark. He killed his daughter’s fiancé and got himself shot in the head. It could’ve been a regular Shakespearean tragedy if he’d been plugged in the Coriolanus.

Now, you don’t want Dolly or any star looking like Grady unless it’s a horror show you’re shooting. So listen up. Here’s my guide to avoiding such unintentional situations:

  1. Get the Angles Right: Wrong angle, wrong image. Unless you’re gunning for the horror genre, watch those angles. You don’t want a hand looking like it’s auditioning for a seafood commercial.
  2. Watch the Shadows: Shadows can be as tricky as a back-alley hustler. Keep them where they belong. Play it right, and you won’t have to explain why Ms. Parton’s got a taste of the sea.
  3. Use the Props Wisely: A misplaced prop can transform a diva into a sea monster. Coordinate with your subject. Make sure everything fits like a worn-in pair of cowboy boots.
  4. Editing with Care: Too much of a good thing can be bad. You want to Photoshop? Fine, but don’t turn a beauty into a beast.
  5. Previews and Feedback: Don’t be a lone ranger. Get a second opinion, third, hell, as many as you need. Fresh eyes catch what yours miss. Speaking of which, there’s a famous photo of Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger in which a saguaro cactus arm appears to be scratching our hero’s back. The result is unintended hilarity.

Look, nobody wants to see their favorite stars looking like they belong on a seafood platter. Pay attention, follow the guide, and keep the claws on the lobsters and off the A-listers.

It’s photography, not a freak show.