I’ll start —> “After two more, I look like Kate Smith!”
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
Caption this!
Category: Breaking Fiction
Uncle Pete promises to show his nephew a good time
Dear Ben,
Hey there, kiddo! Just got wind of the email your mom sent you. Don’t let it ruffle your feathers too much.
You know how my older sister is – always thinking she’s the Cattle Queen of Montana! I swear, if there was a crown for that, she’d wear it to bed. But hey, her heart’s in the right place, even if she sometimes comes off as a bit of a snob.
Check out these photos from our family’s trips to the National Western Stock Show over the years. Man, you won’t believe some of the antics we got up to.
And about the Stock Show – I’ve got your back. I’ll make sure you get to do plenty of wild and crazy stuff. Why? Because I’m celebrating my D-I-V-O-R-C-E! That’s right, I’m officially a free man, and what better way to celebrate dumping a heifer than riding a filly?
So, chin up, Ben. We’re going to have a blast this year, just like the old days. I’ll make sure of it.
Yer Uncle Pete
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
I saw what you did, and I know who you are
January 5, 1979
Dear Larry,
It has come to my notice that last Saturday night, you visited a certain private establishment. My knowledge of this is precise and substantiated with photographic evidence.
To ensure these pictures remain unseen by your family, I require $500 in cash within the next 24 hours.
Expect a message at your hotel tomorrow with further instructions.
Sincerely,
Someone who knows
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
Ben gets his ass handed to him
Subject: About that email…
Dear Ben,
I came across the email you sent Travis. Frankly, I’m disappointed. Sharing an old photo that could mischaracterize our family as lowlifes and whiskey ticklers is disrespectful and far from the truth.
And calling Great-Grandma Peg a “hottie”? That’s not the kind of language or attitude we appreciate in this family.
Remember, the National Western Stock Show is a family tradition steeped in dignity. It’s not a venue for social abandon or cowboy carousing.
Please reconsider how you portray our family, especially in public or with friends. If you can’t do this, I’m afraid you’ll find your experience at the Stock Show more restricted than you’d like.
Let’s keep things appropriate and respectful.
Love,
Mom
P.S. — I’m attaching a photo from the Inter-Mountain Stockmen’s Association 1954 mixer at the Brown Palace Hotel that better illustrates how we kicked up our heels at the Stock Show. That’s Roy and Glorybelle Clunt. In the back is Mato County Sheriff Ed Richardson. Feel free to share this.
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
Dang! Our great-grandma was a hottie!
Hey, Trav!
Man, am I stoked! We’re heading to Denver for our first-ever National Western Stock Show in just a few days.
I was rummaging through some old stuff in Great-Grandma Peg’s attic and stumbled upon this incredible photo. It’s from the Stock Show but get this – in 1967!
(I’ve attached a scan of the photo to this email. Hope it comes through OK.)
There’s Peg having the time of her life, Great-grandpa Jim on the left, and Cousin Charlie on the right. They’re at Sid King’s Crazy Horse Bar. I checked online, and that joint was quite the hot shit back then.
Seeing this photo, I realized how wild and crazy they could be. It’s like looking at a completely different side of them, one that we never knew, and it makes me wonder what stories they could tell about those days. We should do one of those oral history things with them.
I’m bringing this photo with me to Denver. It feels like a good luck charm, a connection to our family’s past. This trip may be just as legendary for us as it was for them back in ’67. Can’t wait to make our own memories there!
Catch you soon, buddy. We’re going to have the time of our lives!
Ben
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
And then he kissed her at midnight in a gay bar
On New Year’s Eve, Mack Linger found himself in The Guy Chaparral, a gay country dance bar in Cathedral City — a world away from the Palm Springs rehab clinic he’d escaped.
The bar, a kaleidoscope of lights and laughter, was owned by the brother of Rosita Minkey, Mexico’s reigning queen of country music. Mack had harbored a secret crush on Rosita since their paths crossed at a music festival in Nashville.
The bar pulsed with energy, its patrons swaying and stomping to the rhythm of country classics. Feeling a mix of nervousness and exhilaration, Mack lingered near the entrance, his gaze scanning the crowd. That’s when he saw her — Rosita, her presence illuminating the stage. She was a vision, her voice melding with the twang of guitars, creating a melody that resonated deep within Mack’s soul.
Mack gulped so hard he almost farted.
Mack found himself onstage, his voice joining Rosita’s in a harmonious duet. They sang with a passion that belied spontaneity, their voices weaving through over a dozen songs.
As midnight approached, the bar brimmed with anticipation. When the clock struck twelve, Mack and Rosita’s eyes locked as everyone sang “Auld Lang Syne.”
When they kissed, the crowd erupted in cheers, and dozens of patrons captured the moment and shared videos on social media.
Mack never returned to the clinic.
Text and photo copyright © 2024 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
A rehab breakout and a New Year’s publicity stunt
Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
Mack Linger’s drinking career has a music problem
Country star Mack Linger, more accustomed to the spotlight of the Grand Ole Opry than the shade of a rehab center, nursed his ego and shoulder — both bruised when a security guard thwarted his escape attempt from a Palm Springs rehab clinic the previous night.
Clinic director Nathaniel Beaumont confiscated Mack’s cellphone and revoked his online, TV, and radio privileges.
Mack was already plotting his next departure when a nurse escorted him to one of the patient conference rooms. She nodded toward a landline phone, then closed the door behind her.
He picked up the handset, pressed a blinking button, and recoiled as the voice of Christopher “Topher” Coobee, his label’s PR man who navigated the murky waters of public relations with the finesse of a shark, blared across the miles.
“Mack, get ready,” Topher said. “Caitlyn Mahoon is doing a piece on you.”
“Tell her to find another loser. I’m not some sob story for her to exploit.”
“It’s all about the drama, Mack,” Topher said. “You know how this works. Your recovery, or lack thereof, is just fodder for the masses.”
“And what about my actual recovery?” Mack shot back, his words edged with cynicism.
“Recovery, relapse, it’s all the same headline. You’re here to make a scene, not a change.”
With a resigned scoff, Mack agreed. “Fine. Is this that old bag who looks like a cross between Barbara Stanwyck and an albino prune?”
“Whoa, there. Just keep it smooth, buddy. Lather on that old Oklahoma charm,” his flack said.
“I’ll be the perfect gentleman,” Mack said.
Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
Mack Linger enters rehab after Reno incident
NASHVILLE (AP) — Country music sensation Mack Linger, famed for his chart-topping “Lonesome Roads, Unwritten Codes,” has checked into a Palm Springs rehabilitation clinic, music industry sources said.
The move follows an incident last week in Reno, where the 31-year-old singer made headlines for an outrageous outburst during his concert at the Sunk Creek Casino.
Eyewitnesses said that Linger stripped naked — except for his cowboy hat — and urinated on a table of bachelorette party revelers heckling his performance of “Railroad Tracks and Love Sacks.”
Video of the incident, which has since gone viral, sparked a mix of concern and disbelief among fans and critics.
Linger, known for his soulful voice and heartfelt lyrics, has often spoken of his struggles with the pressures of fame and a family history of substance abuse.
On Friday, he shared on X (formerly Twitter) a selfie taken poolside at an undisclosed clinic and commented, “Greetings from the Matthew Perry 12-step program!”
Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
There’s no problem that drugs and money can’t fix
The clock over the mirror in Benny’s Bar had struck 1 a.m., and the joint’s raucous energy now simmered at a low hum.
Cousin Jake chugged his beer, adjusted his Stetson, and told Garner to spill the beans from his meeting with the biker who could fix any problem.
“So, Maddox’s plan,” Garner began, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s all about Danny having stepped into Scarab territory. Maddox and the Scarabs, they’re not gonna let that slide.”
Jake raised an eyebrow. “What about the meth you sold to Danny? Aren’t you on the hook, too?”
Garner shook his head. “That’s the leverage. I hand over the fentanyl to the Scarabs, and they take care of Danny and his crew. An ‘unfortunate accident,’ Maddox called it.”
Jake smirked, a mix of disbelief and admiration. “That’s it? Just hand over the goods, and poof, problem solved?”
“That’s it,” Garner said. “But Jake, we can’t breathe a word of this. Ever.”
“No problem, cousin. I never told you what Maddox did for my dad, did I?”
Jake signaled for another round, then turned back to Garner, his demeanor shifting from serious to jovial. “Hope you’re good to drive, bro, ’cause I’m about to get hammered!”
Text and photo copyright © 2023 L.T. Hanlon. All content in this post is fiction.
L.T. Hanlon 