Trusting the devil with a taste of your treasure

December 18, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

Chet looks on as Garner shows a bag of meth to Danny.

Chet led Garner out of the dim bar, pushing through the back door into an alley. They approached an old Ford F-150, its paint faded and chipped.

Behind the wheel sat Danny Maddox, whose face twisted into a smirk when he recognized Garner.

“Well, well, if it ain’t Garner Nash,” Danny drawled, his voice dripping with mock surprise. “Running back to me here on the outside. Still wanna be my bitch, is that it, boy?”

Garner’s jaw clenched, but he kept his cool. “People change, Danny. Circumstances change.”

Danny snorted. “The only thing that’s probably changed is the size of your shithole.”

Garner produced a small plastic bag from his pocket. “I’ve got something that might interest you,” he said.

Danny eyed the bag, his skepticism clear. He snatched it, flicked it open, and stuck a finger inside. Bringing it to his mouth, he tasted the contents — and his eyes lit up with approval.

“Not bad, Nash. Not bad at all,” he conceded, a hint of respect creeping into his voice. “Meet me at my place. We can talk business there.”

Garner nodded, a plan forming in his mind.

“And Nash,” Danny added, his gaze shifting to Chet, “leave that loser right here. This is between you and me.”

“You’re gonna trust that snake?” Chet asked as they watched Danny drive off down the icy alley.

“Sometimes you gotta dance with the devil to get out of hell,” Garner said.

Looking for help to sell death in small doses

December 17, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

A younger man and an older man sit a dimly lighted bar, discussing a shady deal.

Garner Nash rolled into Rock Springs with the Honda’s engine humming a low, tired tune. The neon lights of K Street flickered in the night, casting long shadows that danced across his face. He parked outside a dingy bar, its half-lit sign proclaiming “Utamoh & Thumo Club.”

Inside, the air was thick with tension and the clatter of pool balls. Garner scanned the room, his eyes landing on Chet Skrim, sitting at the bar and signaling for another beer. Chet was a nasty piece of work who’d used Garner in prison — and despite the risks, Garner planned to use Chet now.

“Chet Skrim, as I live and breathe,” Garner said, sliding onto the stool opposite him.

Chet’s eyes narrowed. “Garner Nash. Never thought I’d see your face on the outside.”

“I’m a free bird now with a proposition. And merchandise. Top quality.”

Chet eyed him, skepticism etched in every line of his face. “What kind of merchandise?”

“Crystal,” Garner whispered, glancing around. “Fell into my lap like a gift from the gods.”

“I might know a guy. He’s not going to be easy to convince, though.”

“I can be very persuasive,” Garner said with a smirk.

“All right. I’ll introduce you. I want a significant fee for brokering this.”

“Of course,” Garner said.

“And another thing,” Chet said. “If this goes south, you’re on your own. You got that?”

“Crystal clear.”

Chet made the call. “He’ll meet us out back in 20 minutes for a taste.”

Stolen gun deal goes down in Trinidad

December 14, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. Hanlon1 Comment

A man kneels in an alley and shows a woman a selection of stolen firearms for sale.

In the shadowed backstreets of Trinidad, Colorado, where the air buzzed with whispered deals and secrets, Margo Ames leaned against the graffiti-scarred wall of an abandoned warehouse.

A pickup rumbled into view and halted in front of her. The driver’s door creaked open and out stepped Eddie “Concrete” Malone, named for his favorite burglary tool.

“Nice night, huh, Eddie?” Margo’s voice was smooth, a dangerous melody.

“I’m in a hurry,” Eddie said. “You got the cash?”

“Relax, I have your money. Let’s see the merchandise first.”

Eddie led her to the back of the truck, flipped down the tailgate, rooted around under a pile of sandbags, and hauled out a case heavy with the weight of seven shotguns and a rifle. He zipped the case open, and Margo appraised the firearms with an expert eye, her fingers lingering over the cold metal.

“Quite a haul here, Eddie. You’re a real one-man army.”

Eddie puffed up. “Took ’em from the Rocky Mountain Trading Company. No sweat.”

Margot drew a taser from her jacket, jammed it against Eddie’s neck, and let him ride the lightning. He crumpled, hit the ground hard, twitched a few times, and pissed himself.

She restrained Eddie with zip ties and reached into her jacket pocket for the ball gag she’d brought. However, it was missing. Looking around, she spotted a disposable diaper hanging from a dumpster. Thinking quickly, she stuffed part of it into Eddie’s mouth and secured the plastic ends behind his neck. Margot then rolled Eddie behind the dumpster, concealing him with cardboard boxes to keep him hidden.

After returning the gun case to the truck bed, Margot climbed into Eddie’s pickup and drove off, leaving behind the sounds of the guy’s muffled protests and the flickering lights of Trinidad.

Perps toss hundreds of fentanyl pills onto Wyoming highway

December 10, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

A scruffy young man kneels along snowy Highway 28 in Wyoming and looks at fentanyl pills and crustal meth packets that a passing motorist threw out the window.

Garner Nash never imagined his day would turn out so good.

There he was on State Highway 28, thumb outstretched, hoping for a ride from the freezing nowhere he found himself in. Memo to self, Garner thought: Next time a truck driver wants a blowjob, give him one to avoid getting kicked out in weather like this.

Way up the highway near South Pass, Garner saw a car approaching fast. Before he could make eye contact with the driver, the car roared into view, its passenger-side window open.

Hundreds of pills flew from the car, peppering Garner like buckshot and skittering across the asphalt.

And then the car already seemed miles away.

As Garner scooped up the pills and stuffed them in his backpack, he saw dozens of tiny plastic packets and got them, too. He jumped into a ditch and crouched behind some brush, watching as Wyoming Highway Patrol cruisers flashed by in pursuit.

When engines and sirens faded in the distance, Garner took a moment to examine his booty and recognized fentanyl pills interspersed with packets of crystal meth.

He couldn’t stay on the road. With cautious steps, Garner emerged from his hiding place, his mind buzzing with possibilities. He stumbled upon an unguarded ranch where an old Mercury M-100 pickup sat. It was old and rusted, but it was his ticket to safety.

Garner’s hands shook as he hot-wired the truck — something he’d learned from a fellow drifter. The engine sputtered to life, and he was off, driving down an unmarked gravel road.

A nagging voice whispered of risks, of dangers lurking in the shadows of this newfound path. Yet, Garner pushed these thoughts aside. For now, he was on the road to easy money.

About an hour later, he swapped the M-100 for a Honda Civic in Lander and headed for Rock Springs. A guy he used to fuck in prison could tell him where to sell this shit.

The new Kraft Mac & Cheese packaging sucks

December 1, 2023 L.T. Hanlon2 Comments

Photo of a new box of Karft Mac & Cheese.

As a long-time fan of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, I feel compelled to voice my thoughts on their recent packaging redesign. Change is inevitable, but sometimes, it doesn’t sit right, especially when it alters something as iconic as Kraft’s packaging. Here’s my take on the new look and why it misses the mark for me.

Firstly, the revamped Kraft logo. The shift to lowercase letters might seem like a minor tweak, but it’s a significant departure from the brand’s heritage. There’s something about the original, all-caps KRAFT that exuded a sense of reliability and tradition. This new, softer version feels like it’s trying too hard to be modern and approachable, losing a bit of its identity in the process. Seeing a brand with such a storied history feel the need to downplay its legacy in pursuing trendiness irks me.

Speaking of tradition, I’ve always appreciated how the product was officially named “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner.” It’s a nod to the product’s long-standing place in American culinary culture. This subtle acknowledgment of its roots added a layer of authenticity to the brand. Changing or simplifying this feels like a disconnect from the tradition that made Kraft a household name.

Moving onto the actual product, the cheese sauce now looks too gooey for my liking. There’s a fine line between creamy and overly viscous; unfortunately, the new visual representation crosses that line. It doesn’t evoke the same comforting, homey vibe the previous version did.

And now, the elephant in the room: the powdered cheese. It’s no secret that Kraft has been stingy with the cheese included in each box. What’s more, Kraft sells its powdered cheese separately, suggesting various uses like sprinkling it on salads or popcorn – but curiously, not for beefing up their own Mac & Cheese. This omission feels like an almost tacit admission of the inadequate cheese quantity in each box.

In my household, this has led to a guilty secret: the occasional swiping of a cheese packet from a second box, a habit that used to drive my mom to distraction. It’s a small act of rebellion against what feels like a cost-cutting move that detracts from the enjoyment of the product.

In conclusion, while change is a part of growth, the new Kraft Macaroni & Cheese packaging feels like a step away from what made the brand a beloved staple. It’s a shift that seems to prioritize modern aesthetics over substance and tradition, and frankly, I’m not a fan.

Helping out with a North Dakota housewarming

November 25, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

An attractive young, dark-haired woman and an older man have a serious conversation in a North Dakota bar.

Jill pushed through the holiday weekend crowd at the Roughrider’s Rest, a bar outside Fort Yates, North Dakota. The joint was a time capsule of rural America: walls adorned with worn-out farm equipment, dim lighting, and heavy air redolent of history, hops, and hookups.

“You Joe?” Jill asked the old guy at the bar. He nodded, his face a roadmap of wrinkles telling stories of years in the prairie sun.

“Heard you’re handy with HVAC systems,” he rasped, swirling his whiskey.

“That’s right,” Jill said.

“I got a rush job,” Joe said, lowering his voice. “My daughter’s house. Boyfriend says it got so cold last night the inside felt like the business end of an ice pick.”

Jill raised an eyebrow. “Just the both of them living there?”

“Beth’s spending 90 days in rehab,” Joe said.

“And him?”

“He’s the only one there, and he’s still cooking meth,” Joe spat.

Jill smiled deliberate-like. “I’ll do it for free.”

“Why?”

“That’s none of your business,” Jill said.

They shook on the deal, and Jill knew this would be interesting … real interesting.

Blackout Wednesday: A lucrative night for bars, but at what cost?

November 22, 2023November 23, 2023 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

Wild pen-and-ink illustration of Thanksgiving Eve at a local bar.

Thanksgiving, a time of gratitude and family reunions, is shadowed by its lesser-known sibling, “Blackout Wednesday,” a night that paradoxically celebrates coming together and reveals some of the more challenging parts of our culture.

Also known as “Drinksgiving,” the day before Thanksgiving has become an unofficial holiday where bars and taverns across the nation see an astonishing surge in patronage, often surpassing even the revelry of New Year’s Eve. Why does this phenomenon occur? Let’s dig into the social and cultural ingredients that brew this unique cocktail.

First, Thanksgiving Eve marks the return of college students to their hometowns. Relieved from academic pressures and excited to reconnect with old friends, these young adults often find local bars an appealing venue to celebrate their mini-reunion. This influx significantly boosts local businesses, making Blackout Wednesday a lucrative night for many bar owners.

However, there’s a more somber undercurrent to this trend. The holiday season can be a magnet for emotional turmoil. Family members, already under the stress of the holidays, often confront unresolved issues and emotional baggage after returning home. For some, the easy accessibility of alcohol on Blackout Wednesday offers a temporary escape from these pressures.

There’s a broader, more introspective question to ponder: Are we, as a nation, leaning too heavily on alcohol as a social crutch? While it’s undeniable that social drinking is a deeply ingrained aspect of many cultures, the intensity of Blackout Wednesday’s festivities might prompt us to reflect on our collective relationship with alcohol.

So, how do we curtail the excesses of Blackout Wednesday? Awareness is key. Encouraging responsible drinking, offering more non-alcoholic social events, and promoting a culture of care where friends look out for each other are small but significant steps we can take. Local bars can also play a role by hosting events focusing more on community and less on consumption.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, let’s embrace the essence of the holiday: gratitude, togetherness, and reflection. Blackout Wednesday need not be a night of excess but can transform into a celebration of homecoming and fellowship. Remember, we contribute to a culture of responsible enjoyment every moment we choose moderation and mindfulness. Let this Thanksgiving Eve remind us of our ability to blend celebration with care, paving the way for a future where we can enjoy our traditions responsibly and joyfully.

OpenAI appoints Edward Dillinger as new CEO

November 21, 2023 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

A man in a business suit stands next a monitor displaying the MCP from "Tron."

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

San Francisco, CA –— OpenAI, a leading artificial intelligence research laboratory, is thrilled to announce Edward Dillinger as its new Chief Executive Officer, effective immediately. Dillinger, a renowned figure in the tech industry, is best known for his groundbreaking work as the Senior Executive Vice President of ENCOM, where he led the development of iconic video games like “Matrix Blaster,” “Light Cycles,” and “Space Paranoids.”

“Edward’s vision and leadership in the realm of digital innovation align perfectly with OpenAI’s mission to ensure that artificial general intelligence (AGI) benefits all of humanity,” said Sam Altman, former CEO of OpenAI. “His pioneering spirit and experience in managing complex technological projects make him an ideal leader for our ambitious goals.”

Dillinger expressed his enthusiasm about the new role, stating, “I am excited to join OpenAI and contribute to the advancement of AI in a responsible and impactful way. My journey with ENCOM has been incredible, and I’m ready to bring my experience to the forefront of AI development.”

Under Dillinger’s leadership, OpenAI aims to accelerate its research in AI safety and ethics, ensuring that the benefits of AI technologies are widely and equitably distributed. The company is also expected to expand its portfolio of projects, leveraging Dillinger’s expertise in gaming and interactive technologies.

This appointment marks a significant milestone for OpenAI as it continues to push the boundaries of AI research and applications, striving for a future where AI and humanity coexist in harmony and prosperity.

Contact Information:
OpenAI Media Relations
media@openai.com

About OpenAI:
OpenAI is an AI research and deployment company, dedicated to ensuring that artificial general intelligence benefits all of humanity. The company is composed of a team of researchers and engineers, striving to advance digital intelligence in the way that is most likely to benefit humanity as a whole.

Note: This release is a fictional parody and should not be taken as factual information.

Lots of good Arkansas trooper stuff here

October 22, 2023 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

The woman motorist early in the video? Whoa. I want to see an interview with her boyfriend or husband. Yikes! And I agree with other commenters that in this compilation, Trooper James Byrd has the best line I’ve heard in a long time. . .

“I ain’t playin’ around with you. You can play that shit over in Tennessee, but you’re not playing it here.”

I like the way OpenAI CEO Sam Altman thinks

October 19, 2023October 19, 2023 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

As I’ve been experimenting with AI-assisted writing and editing, I’ve been thinking about how it will shake up the world of work and make many jobs go the way of the dodo.

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has some deep thoughts about this exact subject.

I watched a video of Joanna Stern’s interviews with Altman and CTO Mira Murati at The Wall Street Journal’s Tech Live conference. This Altman guy’s sharp. Stern threw him some curveballs, but he didn’t flinch.

He says the disruption’s coming fast. Faster than the industrial or digital revolutions. Jobs? Poof. Gone. But he isn’t all doom and gloom. He says it’s not just about handing out universal basic income like Halloween candy. People need agency, a reason to get up in the morning.

Altman’s way with words impresses me. He says humans find “great satisfaction in doing something useful,” something that lets us “add something back to the trajectory of the species.” What a great way to describe that need and feeling most of us share.

But what jobs are already circling the drain? Cashiers? We already have machines for that. Truck drivers? Self-driving semis are on the horizon. Writers and editors? You’re reading AI-generated stories all over the place.

What about bartenders? Can you imagine a robot listening to your troubles or cutting you off when you’ve had one too many? Some jobs need the human touch. But others? Sayonara.

Is it all happening too fast? Hard to say. But one thing’s sure: We can’t cram this genie back in the bottle. We’re on this rollercoaster, and there’s no getting off. So, what’s the plan? Retrain? Find new gigs? Or do we just sit back on our lazy asses and let the machines take the wheel?

Altman’s right: We won’t run out of stuff to do. Humans are restless. We always have been. But must we eternally labor, always sing for our supper? Maybe not. But we’ll find new ways to contribute, to matter. We’re built that way.

I wish I weren’t clocking in at 70. I’m sliding down the far end of the bell curve and won’t be around to see AI’s full Monty. But for those who will, buckle up. It’s going to be one hell of a ride.