Stolen gun deal goes down in Trinidad

December 14, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. Hanlon1 Comment

A man kneels in an alley and shows a woman a selection of stolen firearms for sale.

In the shadowed backstreets of Trinidad, Colorado, where the air buzzed with whispered deals and secrets, Margo Ames leaned against the graffiti-scarred wall of an abandoned warehouse.

A pickup rumbled into view and halted in front of her. The driver’s door creaked open and out stepped Eddie “Concrete” Malone, named for his favorite burglary tool.

“Nice night, huh, Eddie?” Margo’s voice was smooth, a dangerous melody.

“I’m in a hurry,” Eddie said. “You got the cash?”

“Relax, I have your money. Let’s see the merchandise first.”

Eddie led her to the back of the truck, flipped down the tailgate, rooted around under a pile of sandbags, and hauled out a case heavy with the weight of seven shotguns and a rifle. He zipped the case open, and Margo appraised the firearms with an expert eye, her fingers lingering over the cold metal.

“Quite a haul here, Eddie. You’re a real one-man army.”

Eddie puffed up. “Took ’em from the Rocky Mountain Trading Company. No sweat.”

Margot drew a taser from her jacket, jammed it against Eddie’s neck, and let him ride the lightning. He crumpled, hit the ground hard, twitched a few times, and pissed himself.

She restrained Eddie with zip ties and reached into her jacket pocket for the ball gag she’d brought. However, it was missing. Looking around, she spotted a disposable diaper hanging from a dumpster. Thinking quickly, she stuffed part of it into Eddie’s mouth and secured the plastic ends behind his neck. Margot then rolled Eddie behind the dumpster, concealing him with cardboard boxes to keep him hidden.

After returning the gun case to the truck bed, Margot climbed into Eddie’s pickup and drove off, leaving behind the sounds of the guy’s muffled protests and the flickering lights of Trinidad.

Perps toss hundreds of fentanyl pills onto Wyoming highway

December 10, 2023June 8, 2024 L.T. HanlonLeave a comment

A scruffy young man kneels along snowy Highway 28 in Wyoming and looks at fentanyl pills and crustal meth packets that a passing motorist threw out the window.

Garner Nash never imagined his day would turn out so good.

There he was on State Highway 28, thumb outstretched, hoping for a ride from the freezing nowhere he found himself in. Memo to self, Garner thought: Next time a truck driver wants a blowjob, give him one to avoid getting kicked out in weather like this.

Way up the highway near South Pass, Garner saw a car approaching fast. Before he could make eye contact with the driver, the car roared into view, its passenger-side window open.

Hundreds of pills flew from the car, peppering Garner like buckshot and skittering across the asphalt.

And then the car already seemed miles away.

As Garner scooped up the pills and stuffed them in his backpack, he saw dozens of tiny plastic packets and got them, too. He jumped into a ditch and crouched behind some brush, watching as Wyoming Highway Patrol cruisers flashed by in pursuit.

When engines and sirens faded in the distance, Garner took a moment to examine his booty and recognized fentanyl pills interspersed with packets of crystal meth.

He couldn’t stay on the road. With cautious steps, Garner emerged from his hiding place, his mind buzzing with possibilities. He stumbled upon an unguarded ranch where an old Mercury M-100 pickup sat. It was old and rusted, but it was his ticket to safety.

Garner’s hands shook as he hot-wired the truck — something he’d learned from a fellow drifter. The engine sputtered to life, and he was off, driving down an unmarked gravel road.

A nagging voice whispered of risks, of dangers lurking in the shadows of this newfound path. Yet, Garner pushed these thoughts aside. For now, he was on the road to easy money.

About an hour later, he swapped the M-100 for a Honda Civic in Lander and headed for Rock Springs. A guy he used to fuck in prison could tell him where to sell this shit.

The new Kraft Mac & Cheese packaging sucks

December 1, 2023 L.T. Hanlon2 Comments

Photo of a new box of Karft Mac & Cheese.

As a long-time fan of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, I feel compelled to voice my thoughts on their recent packaging redesign. Change is inevitable, but sometimes, it doesn’t sit right, especially when it alters something as iconic as Kraft’s packaging. Here’s my take on the new look and why it misses the mark for me.

Firstly, the revamped Kraft logo. The shift to lowercase letters might seem like a minor tweak, but it’s a significant departure from the brand’s heritage. There’s something about the original, all-caps KRAFT that exuded a sense of reliability and tradition. This new, softer version feels like it’s trying too hard to be modern and approachable, losing a bit of its identity in the process. Seeing a brand with such a storied history feel the need to downplay its legacy in pursuing trendiness irks me.

Speaking of tradition, I’ve always appreciated how the product was officially named “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner.” It’s a nod to the product’s long-standing place in American culinary culture. This subtle acknowledgment of its roots added a layer of authenticity to the brand. Changing or simplifying this feels like a disconnect from the tradition that made Kraft a household name.

Moving onto the actual product, the cheese sauce now looks too gooey for my liking. There’s a fine line between creamy and overly viscous; unfortunately, the new visual representation crosses that line. It doesn’t evoke the same comforting, homey vibe the previous version did.

And now, the elephant in the room: the powdered cheese. It’s no secret that Kraft has been stingy with the cheese included in each box. What’s more, Kraft sells its powdered cheese separately, suggesting various uses like sprinkling it on salads or popcorn – but curiously, not for beefing up their own Mac & Cheese. This omission feels like an almost tacit admission of the inadequate cheese quantity in each box.

In my household, this has led to a guilty secret: the occasional swiping of a cheese packet from a second box, a habit that used to drive my mom to distraction. It’s a small act of rebellion against what feels like a cost-cutting move that detracts from the enjoyment of the product.

In conclusion, while change is a part of growth, the new Kraft Macaroni & Cheese packaging feels like a step away from what made the brand a beloved staple. It’s a shift that seems to prioritize modern aesthetics over substance and tradition, and frankly, I’m not a fan.