Does clinic app want me to join the 500-pound club?

Clinic's scheduling app wants to know if you under or over 500 pounds.

So, there I was, thumbing through my clinic’s app, trying to schedule an echocardiogram stress test.

Boring stuff, right? Until I got to this gem: “Certain locations have weight limitations, please select the range of your weight.”

The options?

“500 lbs and over”

“450 lbs and over, but less than 500 lbs”

“Under 450 lbs”

And get this, the default? “500 lbs and over”

Was the gravitational pull stronger? Did someone toss a black hole in my pocket when I wasn’t looking? I checked my mirror. Still the same old guy. Attractive in a rugged, 2 a.m. beer-googles way, not in a “might-break-the-medical-equipment” way.

Default settings can be a riot, especially when you’re obliged to scroll through a drop-down menu of almost every country on the planet before locating “United States” beneath “Uganda.” I see that one all the time. But having to choose among “Large,” “Extra Large,” and “Omigawd, he’s heading our way!” was new to me.

In the end, I clicked “Under 450 lbs” and chuckled. Whoever programmed that app, cheers to you for the unexpected laugh.

I did not need to watch this video at 2 a.m.

I’ve been to many places, seen many things, and heard a truckload of stories.

By day, I worked at newspapers. By night, I’d lean into conspiracies. It’s not every journalist who’s got a side passion for Fortean phenomena. I’m not saying I believe in all that jazz, but something about UFOs, cryptids, and high strangeness catches me and hooks me in. It’s like a lousy earworm of a song you can’t shake.

Legends? They’ve got a life of their own. Ever heard of the telephone game? Start a rumor on one end of the bar, and by the time it reaches the jukebox, it’s turned into some wild tale. These urban myths — they spread, mutate, and grow legs. Sometimes wings.

Speaking of wings, let’s talk Mothman. A creature seen in Point Pleasant, West Virginia. But it’s not the red-eyed beast that gets me. It’s his alleged buddy, Indrid Cold. Some folks call him the Grinning Man.

The story goes: a chap named Woodrow Derenberger was driving home one night in 1966 when he got flagged down by a vehicle that screamed, “Not from this galaxy.”

Out pops a man with a metal grin dressed to the nines. This smiling suit introduces himself as Indrid Cold. Over time, Woody and Indrid chat telepathically, with Mr. Cold spewing tales of interstellar travels. Bizarre, right?

Then Indrid Cold became intertwined with the Mothman sightings. Some say he’s an alien, others believe he’s a government agent covering up the Mothman hullabaloo, and others still reckon he’s a fragment of overactive imaginations.

Whatever the truth, stories like his keep the legend alive, burning like a neon sign outside a dive bar.

I’ve driven endless late nights under countless starry skies, sometimes thinking about those twinkling dots. Could there be life out there? Probably. But I’m not holding my breath for a close encounter.

I’m as skeptical as they come. But when the clock hits 3 a.m., and I hear a strange noise outside my window, I get a tad jumpy.

UFOs and cryptids might be campfire tales, but they sure as hell make the night a little more interesting.