June 28, 2023 – L.T. Hanlon

Well, folks, it’s almost time to roll out the red carpet — scratch that, checkered carpet — for the NASCAR Chicago Street Race.

Isn’t it grand? This weekend, dozens of good ol’ internal combustion chariots will roar through our streets, their finely tuned engines belching plumes of hydrocarbons like there’s no tomorrow.

Folks, Chicago’s air quality this week is already making the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 seem like a fondly remembered barbecue. The smoke might have been thick back then, but at least it wasn’t laced with enough pollutants to choke a horse.

And yet, Mayor Brandon Johnson, no stranger to stepping in front of a camera and spouting the latest buzzwords about climate action and environmental protection, seems to think this is all dandy.

“We must take drastic action to mitigate these threats and ensure that every Chicagoan in every neighborhood has the resources and protection they need to thrive,” he said the other day about our malodorous Canadian air.

A powerful statement, wouldn’t you say? I nearly teared up at the sincerity.

I couldn’t help but notice that the mayor’s definition of “drastic action” doesn’t seem to extend to doing anything drastic like restricting vehicle use during our current eco-crisis or nixing the NASCAR shindig.

Here we have our city’s highest official lecturing us about the environment while hosting an event that’ll contribute more to the air pollution problem in a single afternoon than my dear old Aunt Edna’s ’79 Pinto ever could.

Sure, I get it. NASCAR brings in the bucks. The tourist dollars flow. But at what cost? We’ve got kids in this city whose lungs have never known clean air — inside or outside — and we’re inviting in a pack of revved-up gas guzzlers.

So, Mr. Mayor, if your progressive rhetoric means anything, why not take a real stand?

Cancel the NASCAR Chicago Street Race.

Some early reviews suggest that “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” is a real stinker. Everybody makes mistakes, so here’s some script-doctoring for Kathleen Kennedy free of charge.

“Indiana Jones and the Dial Soap of Destiny”

The movie begins in Indiana Jones’ university office, where he receives an anonymous, cryptic package. Inside is a soap bar engraved with strange symbols and a handwritten note saying, “To the clean goes the world.”

Following a sudden knock at the door, Indy finds a bizarrely behaving Pepé Le Pew outside his office. Pepé explains that he escaped from the Warner Bros. animation studio after noticing strange occurrences and discovering a vast German conspiracy.

He reveals that Germany plans to disrupt the balance of power and influence in the world by introducing a New World Odor. They’re secretly manipulating Hollywood’s elite to stop bathing, leading to an olfactory onslaught that could make America’s cultural exports intolerable worldwide.

Black-and-white image of Looney Tunes character Pepé Le Pew.

Teaming up, Indy and Pepé embark on an adventure that takes them across continents, from the hidden underbelly of Hollywood to the soap factories of Nuremberg. Along the way, they encounter many obstacles, including resistant movie stars, hygienically challenged henchmen, and treacherous shower-free environments. They must dodge not just bullets and boulders, but Mr. Bubble flakes and Air Wick solids.

Meanwhile, they discover that the Dial Soap of Destiny is not an ordinary soap. It has been crafted from an ancient recipe found in the ruins of Babylonian bathing houses, and has the power to control odors, good or bad, across the world.

Their journey brings them to the Cannes Film Festival, where they uncover the villainous mastermind: a German soap baron who plans to use a cinematic masterpiece premiere to release the New World Odor on the unsuspecting audience.

In the climactic finale, Indy and Pepé disrupt the premiere, leading to a chaotic, slapstick sequence involving a cinematic duel of odor.

Armed with the Dial Soap of Destiny, they rush to reverse the smell, chasing the baron through the chaotic Cannes streets and even on top of the cinema screen.

Indy and Pepé save the day and Hollywood, restoring the natural order of bathing habits and the world’s odors.

Through this wild ride, the movie combines the thrilling action and adventure of Indiana Jones with the absurd humor and slapstick comedy of Looney Tunes. The quirky partnership of Indiana Jones and Pepé Le Pew, their thrilling race against time, and the hilarious yet potentially disastrous New World Odor all combine for a delightful comedy adventure.