Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the incredible world of melon matchmaking.

Our quest? To find “The Ripe One” amid a sea of pretenders. We’re about to delve into the thrilling techniques of sniffing, squeezing, and thumping — the Holy Trinity of melon mastery.

First off, sniffing. Yes, this requires getting up close and personal. Don’t be shy; your nose is a high-tech fruit detective. If it’s a cantaloupe, a sweet, slightly musky perfume whispers, “Take me, I’m yours.” Watermelons, however, are tight-lipped. They don’t spill their secrets to the casual sniffer.

Then, there’s squeezing. Let’s clear this up — no melon likes to be manhandled. Squeezing is just plain rude, no matter the melon. A gentle press at the ends should suffice. If it’s a smidge soft but not mushy, it’s ripe.

On to the final act: thumping. Now, I know we all fancy ourselves as fruit virtuosos, thumping away like we’re playing a bongo. In reality, this method is hit-or-miss, mostly miss. An echoing, hollow sound signifies ripeness in watermelons. As for cantaloupes, they’re just not into drum solos.

So, is there a universal, one-size-fits-all test for all melons? Sorry, folks, but it’s a no. Different melons, different manners. Just remember, a polite sniff and a respectful press go a long way.

Moral of the story? Don’t be a thumper, be a sniffer. And remember, melons, like people, deserve a gentle touch.

— Caitlin Balloon