‘Ice Station Zebra’ is the perfect movie title

Poster art for 1968 film "Ice Station Zebra."


As a film viewer, one’s relationship with movie titles is like a sommelier’s with wine labels. Both encapsulate entire universes of experience in a few choice words. They are a prelude, a tease, an overture.

Over the decades, I’ve pondered upon hundreds of these word-woven spells, from the beguilingly simple “Jaws” and “Psycho” to the grandly pompous “The Magnificent Ambersons” and “Lawrence of Arabia.”

After all these years, however, one title has held me in its icy grasp: “Ice Station Zebra.”

Here’s why.

A title must be succinct but also evocative. It must tickle curiosity but only divulge a little. Now, consider “Ice Station Zebra.” It’s three simple words. Ice. Station. Zebra. Each is mundane. But together, they conjure up an image at once bizarre and intriguing. What is this icy station? And, pray tell, what is a zebra doing there?

The first two words, “Ice Station,” present harsh, chilly remoteness. Think about it. Any title beginning with “Ice Station” promises a grueling adventure in a frosty, desolate landscape. As audiences, we are immediately transported into a realm far removed from our comfortable living rooms. The tension is palpable.

Then comes the zinger: “Zebra.” What an unexpected departure. It’s like taking a left turn at Albuquerque on your way to Seattle. Suddenly, the mundane “Ice Station” transforms into a mysterious, surreal landscape. The contrast of a zebra’s stark stripes against the white snow brings a delightful paradox, a twist that one can hardly resist.

“Ice Station Zebra” also has the advantage of perfect context. The film is a Cold War thriller based on a novel by Alistair MacLean, released at the height of the space race in 1968. The title’s chilly nuances echo the frosty U.S.-Soviet relationship. The “Zebra,” a code name, hints at espionage, covert operations, and secrets buried beneath layers of ice and intrigue.

Perhaps most important, “Ice Station Zebra” doesn’t overpromise. It’s not “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” It doesn’t pronounce itself as “Unforgiven.” It’s understated yet compelling. It’s unassuming yet unforgettable.

The artistry of a movie title lies in its ability to capture the essence of a film and yet leave ample room for imagination. By that measure, “Ice Station Zebra” is a testament to the art. It stands as a bold beacon in the wintry white landscape of cinema, a lighthouse guiding curious audiences to the warmth of a riveting tale. It is a perfect title, a zebra among horses. A paradox, a poem, and a promise all rolled into one.

So here’s to “Ice Station Zebra.” Long may it reign in the frosty kingdom of movie titles. We might all be a bit warmer for it.

I saw this epic film first-run in 70mm at Denver’s Cooper Cinerama Theater.

Chicago should cancel NASCAR event

Illustration featuring logo for NASCAR Chicago Street Race Weekend.

Well, folks, it’s almost time to roll out the red carpet — scratch that, checkered carpet — for the NASCAR Chicago Street Race.

Isn’t it grand? This weekend, dozens of good ol’ internal combustion chariots will roar through our streets, their finely tuned engines belching plumes of hydrocarbons like there’s no tomorrow.

Folks, Chicago’s air quality this week is already making the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 seem like a fondly remembered barbecue. The smoke might have been thick back then, but at least it wasn’t laced with enough pollutants to choke a horse.

And yet, Mayor Brandon Johnson, no stranger to stepping in front of a camera and spouting the latest buzzwords about climate action and environmental protection, seems to think this is all dandy.

“We must take drastic action to mitigate these threats and ensure that every Chicagoan in every neighborhood has the resources and protection they need to thrive,” he said the other day about our malodorous Canadian air.

A powerful statement, wouldn’t you say? I nearly teared up at the sincerity.

I couldn’t help but notice that the mayor’s definition of “drastic action” doesn’t seem to extend to doing anything drastic like restricting vehicle use during our current eco-crisis or nixing the NASCAR shindig.

Here we have our city’s highest official lecturing us about the environment while hosting an event that’ll contribute more to the air pollution problem in a single afternoon than my dear old Aunt Edna’s ’79 Pinto ever could.

Sure, I get it. NASCAR brings in the bucks. The tourist dollars flow. But at what cost? We’ve got kids in this city whose lungs have never known clean air — inside or outside — and we’re inviting in a pack of revved-up gas guzzlers.

So, Mr. Mayor, if your progressive rhetoric means anything, why not take a real stand?

Cancel the NASCAR Chicago Street Race.

Does the new Indiana Jones movie stink?

Parody of logo artwork for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny that changes title to Indiana Jones and the Dial Soap of Destiny.

Some early reviews suggest that “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” is a real stinker. Everybody makes mistakes, so here’s some script-doctoring for Kathleen Kennedy free of charge.

“Indiana Jones and the Dial Soap of Destiny”

The movie begins in Indiana Jones’ university office, where he receives an anonymous, cryptic package. Inside is a soap bar engraved with strange symbols and a handwritten note saying, “To the clean goes the world.”

Following a sudden knock at the door, Indy finds a bizarrely behaving Pepé Le Pew outside his office. Pepé explains that he escaped from the Warner Bros. animation studio after noticing strange occurrences and discovering a vast German conspiracy.

He reveals that Germany plans to disrupt the balance of power and influence in the world by introducing a New World Odor. They’re secretly manipulating Hollywood’s elite to stop bathing, leading to an olfactory onslaught that could make America’s cultural exports intolerable worldwide.

Black-and-white image of Looney Tunes character Pepé Le Pew.

Teaming up, Indy and Pepé embark on an adventure that takes them across continents, from the hidden underbelly of Hollywood to the soap factories of Nuremberg. Along the way, they encounter many obstacles, including resistant movie stars, hygienically challenged henchmen, and treacherous shower-free environments. They must dodge not just bullets and boulders, but Mr. Bubble flakes and Air Wick solids.

Meanwhile, they discover that the Dial Soap of Destiny is not an ordinary soap. It has been crafted from an ancient recipe found in the ruins of Babylonian bathing houses, and has the power to control odors, good or bad, across the world.

Their journey brings them to the Cannes Film Festival, where they uncover the villainous mastermind: a German soap baron who plans to use a cinematic masterpiece premiere to release the New World Odor on the unsuspecting audience.

In the climactic finale, Indy and Pepé disrupt the premiere, leading to a chaotic, slapstick sequence involving a cinematic duel of odor.

Armed with the Dial Soap of Destiny, they rush to reverse the smell, chasing the baron through the chaotic Cannes streets and even on top of the cinema screen.

Indy and Pepé save the day and Hollywood, restoring the natural order of bathing habits and the world’s odors.

Through this wild ride, the movie combines the thrilling action and adventure of Indiana Jones with the absurd humor and slapstick comedy of Looney Tunes. The quirky partnership of Indiana Jones and Pepé Le Pew, their thrilling race against time, and the hilarious yet potentially disastrous New World Odor all combine for a delightful comedy adventure.

Chi-Town smoked: Not the kind you BBQ

Smoke from Canadian fires reduced visibility in Chicago. (Photo courtesy Arnold Coobee)


CHICAGO — Picture this: You step outside, ready to embrace a beautiful summer day in the Windy City, and you’re met with an ambiance that’s more Smokey Bear than smoky bar.

Tuesday, June 27, 2023, was such a day for Chicagoans as smoke from Canadian wildfires suffocated our beloved skyline. The Great White North’s blaze exports have turned our city into the world’s largest smokehouse. And we aren’t talking about the delectable smoke that graces our taste buds at a weekend cookout.

Arnold Coobee, a resident of the Streeterville neighborhood, summed up the situation for many of us: “My neighborhood smells awful today. The odor is like burned hotdogs.”

Poor Mr. Coobee. If only we were dealing with overcooked frankfurters, not the health hazard of wildfire smoke.

The aroma may be unpleasant, but the smoke is worse than a nasal nuisance. It’s downright dangerous. It’s like giving Mother Nature a pack of cigarettes and asking her to blow smoke in your face.

The elderly, young, and those with pre-existing health conditions are the most at risk. The air is toxic, hazardous, and in your lungs right now if you’re in the city.

So next time, dear Canada, please keep your wildfires to yourselves. We have enough to deal with without adding “respiratory health risks” to our docket.

Until then, we’ll be over here, holding our breaths and longing for the good old days of clean air and city smog.

Handling yesterday’s embarrassing crime stories

This brief news story appeared in the June 27, 1906, edition of the Wilkes-Barre (Pennsylvania) Leader. In 1970, the paper published a death notice for a man of the same name.


I enjoy traipsing through police-blotter coverage of yesteryear, and I especially linger over panty thefts, public nudity, and other embarrassing revelations.

When I post such stories here or on Facebook, I’ll redact both victims and suspects. I figure that the initial public shame was enough.

When I began my journalism career over 40 years ago, newspapers routinely printed the names of victims and suspects, even in sexual assault crimes.

Things are different now.

Gone are the days when newspapers, those paragons of papery veracity, were unabashed in their inky declarations of guilt and victimhood. Once merely suspected, suspects found themselves as infamous as a peacock at a penguin gathering, and the victim, well, became no less a public spectacle.

The presumption of innocence was soaked in the cold ink of print, wrung dry by the iron press of public opinion. There was a crude democracy to it, a collective societal reckoning — the bitter taste of a public pillory distilled into newsprint.

Contrast that with the pusillanimous journalism of today, where the specter of libel looms large, where delicate sensibilities are swaddled in the gauzy shroud of anonymity.

Today’s scribes, armed with their stylish quills and wary of wielding their words as swords, tip-toe gingerly on the thin ice of legal ramifications.

The suspects remain vague, ghostly apparitions in a twilight world, named only when their crimes possess a certain grotesque grandeur that ignites public curiosity.

We’ve traded in our broadsheets of brazen disclosure for a more cautious, considerate news dissemination. The query is: Does this new order protect the innocent, or does it merely cushion the fall of the guilty? Is it a mark of progression or simply the shrinking violet of a culture too timid to bare its foibles?
The answer, dear reader, is as elusive as the names we no longer print.

As for the media, the printing presses roll on, now seemingly more in the business of whispering secrets than shouting truths.

Hermes Techno Pica typeface digitized

Digitized version of the Techno Pica typeface on my Hermes 3000 typewriter.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, an Italian graphic designer contacted me with a unique request. He wanted to create a digital typeface from the Techno Pica characters on my Hermes 3000 angletop typewriter.

Intrigued, I agreed to help. I typed each character onto paper, took a photograph, and sent it to him via email.Within a short time, the designer had created the typeface. It was an exact replica of the Hermes 3000’s Techno Pica, now digitized and ready for use on any digital platform. Remember that this result is a somewhat ephemeral typeface, since it represented the combination of typeslug cleanliness, ink ribbon saturation, paper characteristics, and the force I used in striking the Hermes 3000’s keys.

Eager to try it out, I loaded the Techno Pica typeface into my Mac. used the new typeface on a Kindle Vella cover. The digital typeface worked perfectly, maintaining the character and nostalgia of the original.

Unfortunately, I lost the designer’s contact information. I don’t remember his name, but his work lives on. He took the unique typeface of a vintage typewriter and made it available for modern uses, and I’m grateful for his work. He immortalized the unique typeface of my Hermes 3000, and for that, I owe him thanks. If he sees this, I hope he’ll contact me so I can give him proper credit here for his fine work.


Durante la pandemia di COVID-19, un grafico italiano mi ha contattato con una richiesta unica. Voleva creare un carattere tipografico digitale dai caratteri Techno Pica sulla mia macchina da scrivere Hermes 3000 angletop.

Incuriosito, ho accettato di aiutare. Ho digitato ogni carattere su carta, ho scattato una fotografia e gliel’ho inviata via e-mail.

In breve tempo, il designer aveva creato il carattere tipografico.

Era una replica esatta del Techno Pica di Hermes 3000, ora digitalizzato e pronto per l’uso su qualsiasi piattaforma digitale. Ricorda che questo risultato è un carattere tipografico in qualche modo effimero, poiché rappresentava la combinazione di pulizia del typelug, saturazione del nastro inchiostrato, caratteristiche della carta e la forza che ho usato per colpire i tasti dell’Hermes 3000.

Ansioso di provarlo, ho caricato il carattere tipografico Techno Pica nel mio Mac. ha utilizzato il nuovo carattere tipografico su una copertina di Kindle Vella. Il carattere tipografico digitale ha funzionato perfettamente, mantenendo il carattere e la nostalgia dell’originale.

Sfortunatamente, ho perso le informazioni di contatto del designer. Non ricordo il suo nome, ma il suo lavoro sopravvive. Ha preso il carattere unico di una macchina da scrivere vintage e lo ha reso disponibile per usi moderni. Nonostante abbia perso le sue informazioni di contatto, sono grato per il suo lavoro. Ha immortalato il carattere unico del mio Hermes 3000, e per questo gli devo grazie. E se vede questo, spero che mi contatterà in modo da potergli dare il giusto merito qui per il suo ottimo lavoro.

Recipe: Gruel begs for your personal touch

Photoshopped photo of a Depositphoto stock photo. taking a dump. A bowl of gruel has been added to the image in a juvenile attempt at humor.
Good cooks are always finding new and interesting ways to spice up gruel.

Gruel, that much-maligned “delicacy,” has quite the checkered past. Thanks to good ol’ Charles Dickens and his tales of woe, the mere mention of gruel is enough to transport us to the dingy, squalid poorhouses of the Industrial Revolution. Ah, those were the days, when watered-down grains were the height of culinary sophistication for the great unwashed.

Fast forward to the present day, and what do we find? Well, it appears that we can’t escape the clutches of gruel, no matter how much we’d like to. Of course, now we’ve gotten smart and slapped new names on it to make it more palatable. “Oatmeal” in the U.S., “congee” in China. We’ve basically put lipstick on a pig and called it a day.

So, folks, the joke’s on us. Gruel never left our side. It just goes to show, you can’t keep a bad dish down!

Basic All-Purpose Gruel

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup of any grain, though it won’t make much difference.
• 2 cups of water, to dilute any remaining taste. (If preparing Gruel a la Gandhi, substitute fresh urine for water.)
• A pinch of salt, the only source of flavor.
• Optional: sweeteners or savory spices, but they’re unlikely to help much.

Instructions

  1. Apathetically measure your lackluster grains and water.
  2. Carelessly pour water into a saucepan; bring to a boil. Toss in a pinch of salt — it might make a small difference.
  3. Slowly, and without much enthusiasm, stir in the grains, avoiding clumps if possible.
  4. Decrease heat to low, allowing this uninspiring mixture to simmer. Stir occasionally to prevent sticking, or don’t. It won’t improve the flavor.
  5. Keep cooking for 15-20 minutes until grains reach a soft, porridge-like state. The result should be reminiscent of thin, tasteless soup. If you have the misfortune of it thickening, add more water.
  6. Once the gruel is “ready,” remove from heat. If you can bear it, try adding sweeteners or savory spices. Although, you’ll likely find tossing in a dirt clod more appealing.
  7. Serve this dish with a grimace. Remember, even though gruel is versatile, no amount of experimentation can rescue it from being culinary despair in a bowl.

Correction
A recent recipe for Twice-Baked Butternut Squash Surprise incorrectly listed an ingredient. It is polenta, not placenta.

— Compiled by Caitlyn Mahoon

Now on Kindle: ‘Tim McVeigh Died for Your Sins’

Book cover for Tim McVeigh Died for Your Sins, a Kindle Vella serial available on Amazon. The cover shows a photo of a sexy young man loading a handgun as he stands against the rolling plains of Montana. The story is writtten by Stance Weaver.

When former Army Ranger Jeff Wilson tries an experimental stimulant, his senses are heightened, and his physical performance is amplified. Soon, this black market hustler is on the radar of terrorists plotting to blow up dams across the United States and frame him for the attacks. Can Jeff stay alive long enough to prevent this nightmare?

I had fun writing this fast-paced action yarn as “Stance Weaver.” More than anything, “Tim McVeigh Died for Your Sins” is a road story — the kind of adventure I love. “On the Road,” “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World,” “The Canterbury Tales,” “The Odyssey,” “Vanishing Point,” “Honky Tonk Freeway,” and “Two-Lane Blacktop” are all favorite road stories of mine.

Our lives are a road story: We’re born, we travel, we die — and spend a lifetime on a highway without benefit of a map. As Billy Joe Shaver sings: You drive or you ride, you fight or you die, somehow you survive on the highway of life.

Not everone in my serial survives, however.

Read the first three episodes of “Tim McVeigh Died for Your Sins” for free.

Food: Are your melons ripe?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the incredible world of melon matchmaking.

Our quest? To find “The Ripe One” amid a sea of pretenders. We’re about to delve into the thrilling techniques of sniffing, squeezing, and thumping — the Holy Trinity of melon mastery.

First off, sniffing. Yes, this requires getting up close and personal. Don’t be shy; your nose is a high-tech fruit detective. If it’s a cantaloupe, a sweet, slightly musky perfume whispers, “Take me, I’m yours.” Watermelons, however, are tight-lipped. They don’t spill their secrets to the casual sniffer.

Then, there’s squeezing. Let’s clear this up — no melon likes to be manhandled. Squeezing is just plain rude, no matter the melon. A gentle press at the ends should suffice. If it’s a smidge soft but not mushy, it’s ripe.

On to the final act: thumping. Now, I know we all fancy ourselves as fruit virtuosos, thumping away like we’re playing a bongo. In reality, this method is hit-or-miss, mostly miss. An echoing, hollow sound signifies ripeness in watermelons. As for cantaloupes, they’re just not into drum solos.

So, is there a universal, one-size-fits-all test for all melons? Sorry, folks, but it’s a no. Different melons, different manners. Just remember, a polite sniff and a respectful press go a long way.

Moral of the story? Don’t be a thumper, be a sniffer. And remember, melons, like people, deserve a gentle touch.

Caitlin Balloon